Sunday, April 1, 2012

April Fool's Edition

by Shannon O'Neill

MADISON, Wisconsin – In a bizarre speech to the conservative religious group MAHMY (Mothers Against Hungry Mouths Yearning), Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum sought to bridge the gap between government support and private church initiatives. The former senator from Pennsylvania proposed using the “pink slime” generated by the meat packing industry as the base ingredient for a new and highly nutritious Communion wafer in Catholic churches throughout the Third World. Santorum claimed that the by-product produced when USDA approved beef trimmings are exposed to ammonia gas are quite edible, and would provide much needed protein to hungry people throughout the world. Santorum went on to deride the “liberal elitist press” for giving what the industry calls “lean finely textured beef” the negative moniker of “pink slime,” making it virtually unusable in the United States. “Offering this to countries in need will not only promote the best of America” Santorum said, “it will promote the best of the Roman Catholic Church, of which I am a proud member.” When questioned by reporters on whether one Communion wafer a week would be enough to stem hunger, Santorum replied, “we hope that those in need will attend services every day.” Sources say the candidate seemed to actually believe in every word he said, while members of the Romney camp suspect that Santorum himself may have been exposed to ammonia fumes. The Wisconsin Republican Primary will be held on Tuesday, April 3rd.

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