Sunday, April 1, 2012

April Fool's Edition!

by Hannah Risser-Sperry

After a few too many long days on the campaign trail, Rick Santorum has finally succumbed to the advances of his sultry Etch-A-Sketch. Though she started as a simple swipe at Mitt Romney, she soon became much more.

Santorum has reportedly taken to calling her Shirley, and aides have become concerned. One key strategist, who preferred to remain nameless, said things escalated quickly: “We gave him the Etch-A-Sketch two minutes before a rally, and he seemed fine throughout that first event. He hasn’t put it down since, and has snapped at anyone who suggests he throw it out. He sleeps with it. We hear him giggling in his hotel room, even when his wife isn’t campaigning with us.”

Troubling, indeed. This reporter asked Santorum about “Shirley” following an event in California last night, and was met with an icy stare. He was holding the Etch-A-Sketch close to his sweater vest, and stroking it with his right hand. When pressed, he responded with an exasperated “I just like playing with the knobs, okay?!” before storming off to his bus.

From the Gingrich campaign, there have been no such reported issues. Newt gave the Etch-A-Slut away to a young child at the first event, thus freeing himself from her amorous grasp. The campaign is having a good laugh at Santorum, according to the small staff Gingrich hasn’t yet fired.

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