Thursday, November 3, 2011

HALLOWEEN EDITION: Soda now breeds teen violence

A shocking discovery has been made early this week after an incident at a Dorchester public school prompted researchers to take a look into teen violence. The new number one cause of teen violence has been named: soda. This caffeinated beverage of countless flavors is what most children switch to after breast-milk and have since been unable to stop drinking. Violence is now added to the list of side effects that soda-drinking can cause.

The incident occurred early Monday morning when a young man allegedly drank a full liter of Mountain Dew before coming to school with a gun in hand. He recalls the morning with detail. 

“I woke up with a serious headache because I hadn’t had a sip since dinner the night before when I threw the entire pan of Spaghetti O’s at my mom. I was mad because she bought the kind that didn’t have meatballs. Like, why would she buy that? Whatever. The pan left a huge bruise on her arm but she deserved it,” the suspect said.

He says that he walked to the convenience store around the corner from his house and bought a bottle of Mountain Dew as soon as he woke on Monday morning. 

“I went home and drank some, then I brought it with me to the bus stop. Some kid informed me that my shoe was untied and I picked up a recycle bin that was next to me and knocked him over with it. I paused to take a swig from my bottle and then I hit him again as soon as he stood up. He didn’t get on the bus.”

The bus driver, Melanie Valdez, recalls the journey after picking up the suspect from the stop. “He seemed to be fuming when he stomped up the steps of my bus. I don’t know what his problem was, but he proceeded to punch a few kids as he walked down the aisle to the back seat. He sat in the back and started drawing graffiti on my windows! Dead policeman stick figures and swastikas and guns...and a bird too.” Valdez recalls.

When police checked the bus later on Monday, they found a small boy crouching under the back seat where the suspect had been sitting. He was literally shaken, but managed to give us a few statements.

“When he came back...he pointed a gun at me...forced me to hand over my Coke bottle, and he told me to get on the ground. I was so scared I...wet myself. And so I was embarrassed, scared and soggy, and I didn’t want to get up. Can I change my pants now?”

The suspect arrived at school with the concealed weapon in his jacket and bottle in hand. He headed for the library at approximately 7:45. 

“There was this mean lady who made me cry when I was a kid because I couldn’t say liberry, and I got this urge to do something about it. I brought the gun with me that I stole from my friend’s dad because of the influence of video games such as Grand Theft Auto, of course. I drank my last sip and threw the bottle at some kid in a wheelchair. I pointed the gun at the lady’s face but then I was tackled by one of those weird kids that never drinks soda. One of those organic freaks.”

The gun was luckily recovered and the young man was restrained until police arrived and took him into custody.

Unfortunately, this incident is not unique. Reports have been made all over the world of violent outbreaks in teens.

But why now? Why after all these years of good old pop and fizz are we now hearing of such effects? Ingredients are being carefully analyzed as well as any possibilities of tampering with the product, but so far nothing has been found. Please report any and all incidents of violence in your teen to 1-800-SODASBAD. Your efforts will allow researchers to strengthen the link from soda to violence and hopefully find out what has recently and rapidly changed in the exchange from bottle to teen body.

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