Monday, November 7, 2011

Halloween Edition: The Hot Coffee Conflict has heated up!

The UMASS – Boston campus is as quiet as a ghost town. A civil war has broken out amongst the student body: supporters and the so-called collaborators of Sodexo duked it out with an insurgent population loyal to Dunkin’ Donuts, with both sides taking heavy losses. The wounded Dunkin’ Donuts supporters consoled each other in the Campus Center, one of whom I was able to convince to share his story:

“It was mayhem! Those Sodexo freaks were dropping balloons filled with their nasty ass coffee all over us! A couple of us threw our cups back in retaliation, but I still got a face full. Some joker with a Super Soaker 9000 filled it with hot sauce and cold coffee. I still get the shakes, thinking about it.”

The Hot Coffee Conflict reached a boiling point a week ago when an apparent group of protesters began what started as an “Occupy UMB” movement. The movement grew exponentially when it began supply members with Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, including a wide variety of flavors ranging from blueberry to toasted almond. Eventually, foam coffee cups began appearing in trash cans all over UMASS – Boston, catalyzing the righteous indignation of the Sodexo supporters whose ocean of love for their recyclable cups became a tidal wave of outrage at the transgressors.

Bands of marauding students now roam outside the buildings. Students, driven mad by caffeine overuse and constant battle, have regressed into tribes separated by their affinity for specific coffee flavors. A recent skirmish between the Hazlenuts and the Coconuts, begun by an argument of whose flavor was “the true nut,” ruined The Steelworker art piece, which the more coherent tribesmen have renamed “The Caffeine Giver.”

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