Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Drumbline? More Like Dumbline

By Nick DeLuca

There’s nothing worse than wastefully watching a movie that makes me cringe. Forget about the fact that I just blew $10 of my hard-earned money at the theatre or charged $5 to my parents’ Comcast On Demand account. That doesn’t upset me as much as sitting through a movie with a hand over my face and having to peek in between my fingers to catch a glimpse of what’s happening on the screen. I don’t do this because the movie is scary. I do it because it’s embarrassing. 

In 2002, 20th Century Fox released the most moronic movie I have ever had the displeasure of sitting through. Drumline, “starring” Nick Cannon and Orlando Jones is the ridiculous story of an authority-challenging college freshman from the inner city that butts heads with the upperclassmen and conductor in order to prove he’s the best snare drummer in the marching band. Cannon’s character, Devon, has a cocky attitude and an arrogant swagger that leads one of his upperclassmen to look for a reason to derail Devon’s full scholarship and spot in the marching band. This upperclassmen and the conductor, played by Jones, realize that Devon can’t read sheet music. Shocker.

The plot is tired, the depictions of the band and its tryouts are unrealistic, and Nick Cannon is someone that I simply want to punch in the face. His ghetto-fabulous demeanor is annoying, the band auditions are like watching a military boot camp with giant bass drums unflatteringly strapped to their chests, and the idea that stadium is filled with people who’d rather see the marching band play for 20 minutes during half time instead of the football team is ludicrous.

“Dang, the crowd is louder than when the football team was on the field.”
“Cause down here it’s about the marching bands, dawg.”

No, no, no. First of all, I can’t stand this ebonic, broken-English jive talk, especially from a punk like Nick Cannon, and even if it is in a fictional movie. Second of all, in the Southeastern United States, football season is like an extended Christmas. Football reigns supreme. And while yes, the marching band is a pivotal part of the halftime show, people don’t flock to the stadium to watch Nick Cannon as the little drummer boy with a shit-eating grin on his face. 

Orlando Jones isn’t half bad, but if I wanted to see the guy from the “Make 7Up Yours” ad campaigns, I’d scour the internet for “commercials that made me chuckle when I was in middle school.”

This worthless excuse for a movie tries to be too dramatic for the subpar cast and a plot that can’t keep up. I’m not surprised to see that the Internet Movie Database gives Drumline 5.3 stars out of 10. 

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