Bad Blood

I have always believed that there was no such thing as a bad movie. Even films that were low on the watchability scale still had some redeeming quality, be it the acting, special effects or even the music. Every film deserved a fighting chance, for all the effort that the cast and crew put into the production. Having made a short and terribly bad film myself, I know how even your best efforts can turn to utter crap, but that still doesn’t make the film unwatchable. I held this belief to my heart and have made it through some truly horrible films, even the recent body of work by Nicholas Cage. All this changed the day that I saw Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne.

Based on a series of popular video games, Bloodrayne tells the story of a young woman who is half vampire, half human. Cursed with the unfortunate name Rayne, she goes on a revenge spree against her vampire father. Sounds good so far if you are into this particular genre, yet this film should be used in film schools as an example of what not to do when you make movies. From the wooden cast and an underdone script to the abysmal direction of Uwe Boll, Bloodrayne is the culmination of truly bad filmmaking. Boll is a man who is infamous for his horrible films, which in this case, feature jarring jump cuts, horrible costumes for the cast including an ill-fitting outfit for Loken which makes her look like a brown log. The capper to this crapfest is a truly appalling final montage that recaps the entire crappy film that you just wasted an hour and half of your life on.

What am I doing in this movie?

The lead character, played by an awkward Kristanna Loken from T3, is a dhampir, half vampire, half human who is on the lookout for revenge against her vampire father, played by Sir Ben Kingsley. At this point in his career Sir Ben should change his name to Sir Just Looking for a Paycheck Kingsley, since so many of his latest film roles are in truly terrible movies. His performance in this film isn’t Oscar-worthy, it’s cringe-worthy. Even Michael Madsen and Michelle Rodriguez, who play Rayne’s allies, look like they wish they were anywhere else but delivering such trite dialogue.  Once scene between Rayne and Rodriguez as Katarin goes a little something like this:

Katarin: Your form is weak, lacking passion. 
Rayne: It was part of my plan. I am tiring you out. 
Katarin: Your plan is lacking passion as well. 

Bring me a doggy bag, I feel sick. This doesn’t even count the offensive cameo by rock star Meat Loaf who plays a pimp covered in real naked Romanian prostitutes. The scene is so fetid that you can smell the desperation and unwashed bodies without any Smell-O-Vision.

This cinematic abomination comes from a script written by Guinevere Turner, author of a great screenplay for the film American Psycho. It is a mystery why Turner opted to write some of the worst dialogue outside a George Lucas script and why the studio decided to waste millions of dollars. Even 20^th Century Fox knew this film was a waste of resources when they decided to give it a straight to DVD release even after spending over a million in marketing the theatrical release. Ultimately, this film is nothing more than a cinematic mistake, one that is not worth repeating. Save your earned money and rent something with more quality and avoid Bloodrayne at all costs.