From the Onion Newbs Network
Jeremy Holden, 42, of Massapequa NY, was relaxing at home watching “The Simpsons” this Sunday when he discovered his remote control was missing. At the end of the first segment he reached for his remote, hoping to mute the commercials, only to find it was gone. “I dunno what happened to it,” said Jeremy. “I could swear I’d left it on the arm of my chair, but when I went to look for it, Bam! no remote! It really sucked. I mean, ‘The Simpsons’ has godawful ads.”
His wife Tranh, 23, a mail-order Vietnamese bride, seemed to think it was good that her couch-potato husband might have to sweat for a few days. “Him always watching TV and not spending time with me. Him lose remote, good riddance. Want more playtime. You want playtime with me?” she asked, holding a chess board. When asked if her husband was paying more attention to her, she shook her head. “No, him complain him have to get up to change channel. Not even notice when I give lap dance.”
Neighbors Walter and Selma Burren, 54 and 56, had hopes that losing the remote would be good for Jeremy’s marriage to his extremely attractive wife. “I mean, he’s spending his time watching Monday Night Football and doesn’t even seem to notice when those ripped Marines come to the house,” said Selma.
Walter agreed. “Yeah, she welcomes them inside wearing a negligee, a Scrabble board and a smile, and he just watches tee-vee, scratches his crotch and drinks crummy beer. You’d think he’d want to get freaky with her more than once a month, but no-o-o! I think he has a hard-on for jocks instead. He once told me he used to play Dungeons and Dragons, you know? Doesn’t he still have some gamer mojo?” He paused to yell across the street, “Hey, Tranh, are we still on for our Monopoly marathon threesome this Thursday?”
However, neighborhood speculation of renewed marital harmony in the Holden household were dashed when Jeremy publicly announced on Tuesday that he’d ordered a new remote control from Amazon. “Yeah, this one has a homing beacon, so I’ll never lose my remote again!” Dozens of neighbors went to console Tranh for her loss and set up playdates, while shares of game company Milton Bradley rose 3% on the news.
The Long Jump
4 months ago