Monday, April 26, 2010

Strippers, Swearing, and Slitting Wrists, Oh My!

And so Elizabeth Berkley’s character Nomi Malone holds a switch blade up to a truck driver’s throat. Oh and there’s lots of awkward naked lap dances intertwined too. There. I just saved you the wasted 128 minutes of your life. We all hate shitty movies that make us regret spending those ten bucks. That money could have gone towards some Wendy’s and a six pack to wash away that horrifying spectacle. What sucks even worse is when the movie is so terrible, you feel your brain cells burning away and tumors taking its place. If you’re still going to sit down and watch Showgirls: I suggest a lot of prescription drugs, a bottle of whiskey, and a sharpened razor.

Trying to describe the synopsis of Showgirls is like explaining why drugs are bad to a group of addicts. There is no real plot or understanding of what is happening, just a lot of chaos. Nomi Malone is an attention-seeking whore with a past. She comes to Las Vegas for a fresh start and she wants to dance. Her ambition to headline a show completely takes over, and nothing will get in the way of her dreams. All of the scenes in this movie involve unnecessary amounts of nudity and thrusting. The life of a showgirl is fast-paced and requires cleavage-bearing costumes, but this movie decides that tits and crotch shots are not enough. They amplify the nudity and make it awkward by letting the characters intermingle.

Did I mention that this movie has a lot of sex? There are steamy, passionate sex scenes and then there are those uncomfortable porno-inspired moments that make you grab your parts and scream, “What the...Yuck!” Showgirls falls into the second scenario; the sex scene in the pool makes you wonder if she was really assertive or having a seizure. Either way, you will feel uncomfortable and want to step out for a cigarette break. Even the strip tease between the girlfriend, boyfriend, and dancer makes you want to turn off the movie—but you don’t, praying by some miracle it will get better. When Nomi auditions for the big show Goddess you begin to have hope. The choreography is cool and intricate and we begin to see that Elizabeth Berkley has some serious ballet training. The audition sequence is a lot like A Chorus Line where hundreds of people are dancing gradually getting cut down to a few remaining hopefuls…until the dancers start ripping off their clothes and pelvic thrusting on the stage floor. Hope you still have that razor handy.

In addition to the nudity, dancing, and unnecessary roughness, there is a lot of swearing. Everybody loves a good movie with some “fuck yous” and “bitches” thrown into the mix, but not in Showgirls. They manage to ruin the art of swearing too. Every other word is profane; you get so distracted by the crap coming out of their mouths that the useless plot becomes even more irrelevant. But, wait, more naked chicks are walking across the screen. Maybe they will do something interesting? Nope. Elizabeth Berkley claimed this movie would jumpstart her career, seriously? She should have enjoyed being on Saved by the Bell and joined Dancing with the Stars. Thanks for taking one for the team Elizabeth; I am sure some serious research and acting classes went into this role.

Showgirls cannot even fall into that “guilty pleasure” bad movie category. This movie makes you want to punch babies or never want to see light again. Well played, Showgirls, well played.


  1. you make me laugh, Amy. LOL. this made my day. too funny! good job.

  2. Thank you Hanah! I am glad you like it and stay away from this movie. Hehe.