Thursday, April 1, 2010

Fight Global Warming, Buy Shit!

Thanks to many American companies we can protect the planet and stem the damaging effects of global warming all by ourselves. Products recently developed allow people to reverse the harmful effects of global warming, carbon emissions, and pollution, by tapping into the benevolent altruisms of late capitalism!

Consuming products is human nature, and with the advent of green products, it’s now natural nature too! These products are trendy, fashionable, and completely necessary in creating a cleaner planet. Dermatologists have even discovered that by buying natural makeup and beauty products, people feel more in tune with nature, which in turn makes them want to recycle.

In fact, in most cases, it’s most important to label yourself as someone who cares about the environment. Actually taking real meaningful steps to help the planet should be considered as simply an afterthought. That’s because buying stuff at the store has been scientifically proven to be what Americans do best, and now it not only fills the empty voids in our lives, but also ensures that our children and grandchildren will have a healthy, beautiful planet to buy things in for centuries to come!

The miracles of modern economics have joined scientific breakthroughs to make helping the environment so easy, you don’t even have to change any of your behaviors or jump out of your comfort zone at all!

Don’t use plastic bags at the grocery store, because scientists have recently found that plastic, a non-biodegradable material made from petroleum, may be bad for the environment. By visiting you can purchase five reusable bags that will never end up in a landfill, unless you throw them away.

Wait, couldn’t we just reuse the regular plastic bags? No. These reusable bags have cute recycle symbols, tree designs, and other earthy pictures on them that will allow everyone to know that you are saving the planet. Also, these bags only cost $37.95! Coming soon: reusable bags to pick up after your dog!

Another company that is taking a step in the right direction when it comes to saving the Earth is the Sunchips Company. After extensive research and time put into making 100% compostable bags, Sunchips discovered just how important their new idea is. The concept is quite remarkable: you can eat a bag of Sunchips, then simply throw the bag onto the ground, because the bag dissolves and then grows a plant in its place!

Their motto, “You eat the chips, the Earth eats the bag,” allows the consumer to appreciate the extensive accomplishments the Sunchips Company has achieved by making the mass production and consumption of snacks beneficial to the environment. The decomposition of the bags only take six to eight weeks, as long as the conditions are right. Yay for redefining “paper,” in order to launch a PR campaign.

For those of you who are technologically savvy, about a year ago the Macintosh iPhone came out with 200 applications that can help you live a greener life. There are applications for just about everything, including an app that reminds you to breathe less in order to use less oxygen! So while on your Segway (avoiding gas guzzling, emission spewing vehicles) you can check your carbon footprint on your iPhone, to see exactly how much you alone pollute the earth. Then, go home and recharge your phone, using up electricity.

If these products and lifestyles don’t seem drastic enough for you, the serious green living individual can become a Freegan. A Freegan is a person that is entirely anti-consumerist and lives his or her life to reduce and reuse just about everything, even toilet paper! The steps to becoming a Freegan are very simple.

The practices of Freeganism are: working and showering less, being green, living in rent-free housing. In other words: being homeless, hitchhiking and sitting around all day. By living like homeless people, Freegans are able to acquire a much smaller, almost non-existent carbon footprint.

According to Freegan organization member Tammy Scott, “by foraging or dumpster diving, we are able to consume food that has already been half-eaten, because if we didn’t, it would be eaten by rats or real homeless people.” So when you hear Kermit the Frog say, “It’s not easy being green,” you know that the frog is telling a lie.

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