Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Arm-A-Get-It-On

In a last chance effort to save boxing after the sport started falling ever faster on hard times due to the growing popularity of UFC martial arts fighting and the recent collapse in the highly anticipated Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight, boxing officials have begun preparing for the ultimate battle. The Democrats vs. the Republicans over the passing of the health care reform bill.

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“When President Obama challenged Republicans to repeal his health care bill the lightbulb turned on so bright I could smell my hair burning,” said Don King. He continued by saying, “Obama’s challenge to Republicans got me thinking that this was the fight that would re-ignite boxing popularity.”


The boxing commission, headed by King, initially declared that the fight would be between President Obama and Rush Limbaugh, however; when Nancy Pelosi heard the fight was going down she said she wanted in.


“When Nancy told the commission she wanted in on the fight it gave us a perfect opportunity to try something new”, said King. He added, “We decided on a three-way battle, three Democrats vs. three Republicans, to increase the popularity of the fight.”


Over the last 48 hours King has been diligently working to contact President Obama and Nancy Pelosi who have yet to find their third teammate. Some suspect that Pelosi and Obama will choose Harry Reid, the Senate majority leader, to be their third fighter. Others suspect that Joe Biden will step into the ring, although rumors have stated that Biden will be acting as the announcer for the fight.


In an interview with Biden he confirmed the rumor that he would be the announcer for the fight. When asked for further comment he simply said, “This fight is a big fucking deal, bitches.”


In his excitement, Biden then tore the right sleeve from his suit revealing a tattoo of a naked, large chested woman holding onto a ship anchor on his bicep. Biden then slapped the cameraman in the face for not getting a shot of the tattoo. The video would have been on Youtube, however it’s currently being used as evidence in assault charges involving Biden.


With the fight set for April 1st Obama and Pelosi will have to find their third fighter soon. As for the Republicans, they have already selected Limbaugh, Palin and Scott Brown to take the ring for the ultimate battle being promoted by the boxing commission as “ARM-A-GET-IT-ON.”

pastedGraphic.pdf The choice of Scott Brown as the Republican’s third fighter over John McCain (who has fighting experience) came as a surprise to members of both parties. Although when Sports Illustrated announced they wanted a fighter for the cover of their latest issue; Brown was favored in a 99 to 1 vote (McCain voted for himself) by the Senate to look better with his shirt off, a pair of boxing gloves around his neck, and a black eye.


As it stands now the Democrats, with or without their third fighter, are still in favor to win the fight. This favoritism comes from considering all the punches that President Obama has been absorbing since taking his seat in office. However, no one has taken more punches than Nancy Pelosi over the past year. Many anxious spectators have said that Pelosi could take all three Republicans by herself because she’s that pissed off, but there is no way to be sure what will happen come April 1st.


Coverage will begin at 7pm and the fight begins at 8pm. The fight will consist of 9 rounds with each fighter alternating every round with a different fighter. Whoever has the most fighters standing wins.


There is no way to predict the outcome of this epic battle but one thing is for sure. It’s going to be Armageddon!


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