Friday, October 30, 2009

Undeaditorials / Trick-or-Treat Enthusiast Replaces Teeth with Candy Corn


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Painstville, KY--Dell Dentless of Paintsville, Kentucky has a lot to smile about today. “I feel like a new man,” Dentless says, and all because of his new set of candy corn teeth implants.
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Dentless, 53, who has recently come into a large sum of money after the mine he had worked at for 45 years unexpectedly closed, explains, “Well, it wasn’t shut down so much as it fell down, and on most my kin.” The newly retired man said that shortly after the accident a lawyer from the mining company gave him a small slip of paper, “which he called a ‘check.’” Dentless went on to say, “When I found out that I could barter with the bank over that slip of fancy paper for money, I was already over the moon.” He quickly added, “Moonshine that is, and when I came to and re-reckoned it all out, I was over the moon again but upright.”
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The man’s new smile is a result of a life-long obsession with sugar and candy. For Dentless, the act makes perfect sense: “What tooth I did have was not so good anyway; at least candy corn, when they chip off and fall apart in your mouth when you chew, tastes good and doesn’t scratch on the way down. And I do love me some candy.” Halloween was his favorite childhood holiday, but it wasn't about dressing up or scaring his friends, it was all about the score of candy. However, the man will not be giving away candy corn to trick-or-treaters this year, but, through a giant multicolored smile, Dentless assured us that he has “got things covered if [he] run[s] out of Zagnuts.”


When asked what other plans he has for his money, Dentless said, “I’ve got two words for you: Twizzler fingers.”


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