Friday, October 30, 2009

Undeaditorials / H1N1: The New Garlic

By Joshua Bottomley

Throw away those pesky crosses. Same goes for the holy water, see ya later! Those old school tools are for the Renaissance, man. If you really want to keep away legions of the Gothic undead you need the new flavor, H1N1. That’s right the Swine Flu. Temporary debilitation and fever have never sounded so good. Despite its shortcomings, Swine Flu is fast becoming the world’s most successful Vampire Repellent. Finally, Mexico has given us something that we can use.

According to recent studies performed at the Anne Rice School of Eternal Unrest, a little bacon in the blood stream has proven overwhelmingly successful in warding off nocturnal neck gnawers better than any antiquated means. While most Medieval towns and villages have been reporting higher mortality rates this Halloween season, homes afflicted with Swine Flu are being passed over like a bad kid at Christmas.

Swine Flu has become the popular Anti-Vamp Elixir because of one main reason. All vaccination shots are only offered during daytime hours. Your HMO’s ability to be a stickler for the rules is now humanity’s saving grace. Vampire Vlad Estrogon lamented, “Maybe if I get to the clinic by sunset I can squeeze a shot in, but after Daylight Savings goes into effect, I’m screwed.” The sons and daughters of Dracula have to be careful who they sink their teeth into now, for fear of being bitten by the Latin American sow disease. “Imagine spending eternity with the sniffles, what a bitch!” Vlad’s European coffinmate Delia Undgurden added, “Da, my father bit youngling with Swine Flu. After few weeks he could no longer stand the constant blowing of nose. He fell on own stake so no longer he have to deal with zee chafing.”

While Johnson and Johnson have already patented and packaged the handy H1N1 Nasal Spray, Cabo San Lucas alcohol entrepreneur Sammy Hagar has teamed up with the Mexican CDC to produce Pig Sty Tequilla, the only booze guaranteed to cause Swine Flu. Now you can party at the Titty Twister from Dusk ‘Til Dawn and never have to worry about getting a hickey from the talent.

Nobody wants to be the one missing in the group photo. The Twilight comparisons are already tired. Plus does anyone really like Bauhaus and Morrissey? Get with the program, get rid of the garlic and get yourself some Swine Flu.

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