Friday, October 30, 2009

Undeaditorials / Man In Kid Rock Costume Fights Man In Pancake House Costume; Universe Quits

Early this morning, the universe announced its retirement after a man dressed up as best-selling rap auteur Kid Rock was involved in an altercation with a man attired in what witnesses say was “a big pancake house get-up.”  Sources close to the universe says its reaction to the events stems from a quantum incident in 2007, when Kid Rock’s attack in a Georgia pancake house created a series of alternate universes, each one centered around Kid Rock, pancake houses, and combat between the two.

“I really feel that everything that can be done, has been done now, and there [is] really no more reason for my purpose in existence after Kid Rock destroyed my space-time continuum” said the universe in an exclusive interview with Katie Couric. When pressed for comment, Kid Rock’s lawyers claim that “Mr. Rock denies all culpability in altering inter-dimensional fluctuations on the grounds of being highly intoxicated in a Georgia strip club the night after the fight, and therefore unable to warp space-time beyond his power as to wear the American flag as a poncho.” No comment has been heard from the pancake house’s camp, due to the house in question falling into a black hole.

Fans of the universe stay dismayed about its retirement but not unsympathetic, as the after-effects of what MIT is calling “The Kid Rock-Pancake House Superparadox” are revealing a shenanigan-fueled series of alternate continuities where man evolved as sentient piles of pancakes until building automatronic robots created from juvenile stones, the two of which having begun a world-shattering war the left the alternate Earth barren and desolate. Other timelines include situations where Kid Rock’s parents were killed by a morbidly obese pancake house patron when he was a child, prompting him to dress up as a Jenny Craig impersonator and fight crime during the night, as well as one timeline where a homosexual Kid Rock marries IHOP co-founder Albert Kallis.

Clearly, this most recent re-enactment of the Superparadox by two drunken college students improvising Halloween costumes is the final straw for the universe; having to witness an infinite number of mentioned worlds centered around Kid Rock. “Y’know, it’s not like I want to quit so early in the game,” said the universe, “it’s just that at this point, I’ve seen every event that will happen in the lens of Kid Rock fighting a man in a pancake house. Even if, say, the lead singer of Creed gets into a fight at an Abercrombie & Fitch store and starts another quantum chain reaction, it won’t matter because I’ll just be seeing everything through Scott Stapp instead.” When asked if it has any plans now that it is retiring, the universe concluded that it was “going to commit suicide by overdosing on No-Doze and fluffernutter, but not before [it figures] out where it all went wrong.”

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